k 0 k i J @ R

It’s been raining these days and I don’t like it pour any longer; one, because it affects the bearing of mango trees in our farm.  We don’t want to lose of course.  Two, though I don’t like the hot of sunny days, it’s worse going out of the house when the rain doesn’t stop or pours even harder.  It gets me wet no matter how my petite physique hides under an umbrella and I can’t get off from dirt that gets into my pants and my shoes, perhaps I just don’t know how to carry myself under the rain..hahahaha

I don’t know how it came into my system that every time it rains, I just can’t define my mood.  I remember nothing but the loneliness I felt when I was 4.  I wasn’t schooling yet then or I am not so sure if it was school days.  I don’t even remember why of the 4 kids (pepet wasn’t born yet) I was the only one left.  It must have been Docky and me if it was school days or perhaps, mama brought him to school because he was a very friendly, always smiling, jolly and jovial kid.  Probably, it wasn’t summer because ate keket and kuya kokot weren’t there to play with me.  I was left home with our manangs. 

Strong rains were not inviting without my siblings to play with under the rain.  Although we had our neighbors, but I was shy enough to invite them out.  I was an introverted, bashful girl.  I think I have developed confidence when I was 6, when our teacher in kindergarten asked us to read ABAKADAs and its sorts on the board and gladly, I made it excellently.  It was nice knowing that I have an edge from my classmates.  Hehehhe… Anyway, at 4, I didn’t have the talent of bringing our neighboring kids out to the rain.  I wasn’t as friendly as ate keket.  She was very smart, chatty, and very friendly.  All our neighbors, young and old, couldn’t resist her cute and invented stories as well as her very inquisitive and “prophetic” personality.  I always enjoy the rain with her and kuya.  Both of them were playful enough to lead us and our neighbors to gira-gira, pusil-pusil, tago-tago or tibon-tibon or pinpin de sarapin, ps-ps, jolin, skipping rope, takyan, libon-libon, patintero, langit-lupa, balay-balay, bal-bal bal-bal, bahug-bahug, kon dise kum buko, chinese, halap-halap, 77 up, chinelas lata, tarak-tarak, exhibition sa ligid, taksi , among others, rain or shine.  <<sigh>>  I used to always get deserted on rainy days without them.  Rainy days were dull and dreary without my siblings.

Today’s rain fiercely dropped as it did when I was 4 and I feel the same degree of loneliness.  Indeed, we’ve grown a lot older now and we are at an almost infinite distance away from each other, except with pepet, who is just 7 kilometers away, and docky, who is just two deep seas away.  I don’t want to see the rain because all the more I would miss them.  Surely, this loneliness will get more intense that I could burst in tears.  Yet, I need to be strong.  I need to be firm before everyone here in the house.  Likewise, I need to grow a healthy paradigm out of the rain so that when it pours the hardest, I could enjoy it fall on my own.    

is this just a mere desire?

an October 13, 2005 write-up .. i just love to post this here (from my friendster account)

It has been my utmost desire to write but it seems like writing doesn't like me. it has been my wish that i could put into words how my thoughts run simply because i wanna let others know how beautiful and worth-the-adventure this small yet wide world; that there is so much in MINDANAO worth traveling to; that peace is not elusive; that there is much hope in the countryside; that there is peace in the mountains; and that there is much JOY in finding yourself everyday with God and with His wonderful creatures. everytime i travel long distances or walk 6 kilometers or more, my spirited and invigorating thoughts usually fills my senses. Today, while walking, I was so overwhelmed by the butterflies and flowers in different colors, in various classes, and in refreshing sizes and blooms. Today’s experience isn’t new as I have long been crossing mountains and creeks in the countryside in vehicle or feet. But it’s only today that I got the courage to write (than paint) what it is that made me glad and thankful. (indeed, I was inspired by one book that I never thought would stimulate my being-in-this-world –the alchemist by Paulo Coelho. This book had long been standing before me not until last night that I gave it a chance to prove its essence..huh!! I did not want to sleep, but, I need to….) I am really thankful to God that while others on earth are in chaos, there I was walking calmly, listening to the sound produced by my respiration while my left foot took another step following my right foot; that while others are disturbed by the noise of traffic, there I was entertained by the dancing of butterflies and the swaying of wild flowers in yellow, orange, red, white, and lavender; that while others are disquieted by the coming and going of things before their being, there I was experiencing His presence in the tranquility of nature. (Today is different. Yet, this isn’t happening everyday. I mean, being in His presence with my TOTAL being. I am like you, too. More than sometimes but less than oftentimes disturbed by everyday schedules, deadlines, targets, and concerns.) I felt tired while walking, but I realized that even if I had walked 21 kilometers this isn’t an eighth or fourth to the distances traveled by pilgrims, travelers, merchants, or shepherds who crossed the dessert to fulfill their spiritual vows, transport their goods and products, do mission works, practiced their faith, etc. The distance I took isn’t even a third from that of a child who carries herself along with her used notebook, bits and bits of crayons, and very short and knife-sharpened pencil to school that is creeks and mountains away from home.

thus, there are so much happy and fortunate moments worth thinking than complaining..hehehehe..

i know i dont always have that moment i had in the countryside, but, it is a great challenge to myself, as a Christian, to find His Highness, His Holy Presence, His Majesty, and experience His Holiness in the midst of the messy city and daily courses. because, i know that it is only in His Presence that i can see the good, better, and best in things amidst crises, corruption, and terrorism.  i know it is never an easy struggle to balance one's self everyday.  we all wanted to have a well-being, yet, human as we are, we are often tempted to conform to the world or compromise to the lies of the enemy.  this is very true to my fellow youth.. this post-modern era has exposed us to the non-conventional and non-structural and we often think that our rebellion at home, in school, and in the church are but acceptable..AND, we waste so much time wandering, as we have had.

BE CAREFUL OF THE NEW AGE MOVEMENT!!!

IT IS AROUND US..

the wisest of wise men in Paulo Coelho's "the alchemist" said:

    "The secret of happiness is to see the marvels of the world,

     and never forget the drops of oil on the spoon."

    "A shepherd may like to travel, but he should never forget

     about his sheep."

in my own language, let me interpret it as:

   -- a Christian may like to enjoy his everyday life, follow the fashion, the fad, watch movies, go joy-riding, enrol fitness programs (like ga-gym ka parts??), stroll or witness night cafes, sip some coffee at Park Cafe (wala koy commission ani!), go mall-wandering, enjoy the beach in swimming suit, laugh with barkadas, enjoy travels and adventures over waters and mountains, BUT HE MUST NEVER FORGET THAT HE IS A CHRISTIAN, and that HE HAS A GREAT COMMISSION TO FULFILL; THAT HE IS HERE FOR A MISSION; THAT HE OUGHT TO PROPERLY REPRESENT GOD IN HIS LIFE.

ABOVE ALL,  he puts in his heart the gospel of salvation that he ought to share to all toungues, nations, and tribes:

"for all have sinned and fell short in the glory of God"

"for the wages of sin is death"

"while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us"

"for it is by GRACE through FAITH that we have been saved, not by good works so that no one can boast. we are God's workmanship called to do good works that He prepared for us to do."

"for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

the Lord said: "Behold, i stand at the door (heart) and knock, if any man hears my voice and open the door, i will come into him, eat with him, and he with me."

GOD BLESS US ALL!!